Sometimes I Get Scared

Life is a puzzle and therefore it is meant to be puzzling, at least at times.  Just think of your birth as the making of a jigsaw puzzle--everything is gathered and put into a package and everyone assumes that all of the pieces are in the package.  New parents, automatically check that all ten fingers and all ten toes are there.  There are now tests that reveal mental acuity, etc. etc. etc.,  but we cannot tell, immediately, if all the pieces are present and if all the pieces will function as expected.  Life is like a puzzle and that is what scares me.

Me-- I want to believe that when I buy a puzzle all the pieces are in the box. Since I want to believe, initially, I do, but when I am about half way through the puzzle I wonder if I might be wasting my time trying to assemble the puzzle because I may discover that some of the pieces are missing.

Sometimes, I get scared because when I set out on a new Path I may not have everything I need, and is it that when I feel I am falling short I get scared, and is this how my phobias develop.  I spend so much time getting over my phobias that it makes me wonder how far along I would be by now if I didn't develop them.  Then I wonder if they are just a natural part of my Life Path.  Maybe, the foibles may be what keeps me awake and keeps me going.  

I have been focusing on words and have been looking at Words of Wisdom for Women, Rachel Snyder and today I was drawn to the word, Awaken.  

Awaken

Wake up!  Refuse to sleepwalk through your life any longer.  Wake up! Open your eyes and dare to see the world in a different way.  Wake up!

I met this Raven in down-town Anchorage and was treated to a wonderful exhibition of Raven play.  I watched it roll in the snow and then it lured me into a game of hide-and- seek with it.  Of course, I was the seeker.

The encounter I had with this Raven was not my first close encounter with a Raven.  I met one in the Canyons in Washington State, and during that encounter I learned that I should look at the world through a new perspective.  Another awakening!

Learning Tools:  Some books, a camera, and a pair of hiking boots.

Wake up!  Smell the coffee!  Take a long, hard look at what you have been missing, and decide not to miss it anymore. Awaken your senses, your intuition, your desires.  Awaken the parts of yourself that have been sleeping...the lover, the trickster, the artist, the maiden, the crone...Words of Wisdom for Women, Rachel Snyder

Presently, I am in the process of making some transitions and they include:  moving to Alaska, working with others (in the classroom and through web groups) on writing, photography, finding my roots in order to become balanced. I am being introduced to my inner senses, being present, and recording the little things in life.

Happy Trails, until we meet again.

For a Reason?

I heard this so many times "There are no accidents.  Everything happens for a reason."  Usually, it was said to me when I was talking about something negative that happened and I couldn't figure out why.  I am not sure that I really believe that sentiment and I know that most times when I hear it I am not happy about it.  I just can't figure out why we are accepting of it and I can't figure out why we think it is the thing to say to someone who is not feeling so great about something that just happened to them.  All it ever did for me was make me say "Yeah, right but why to me?"

So, here I am in Anchorage, AK (a beautiful place to live) and I am going through Mover's Remorse (I made up this name one day when I was talking to my Realtor Friend who always talked about Buyer's Remorse) and even though I know relocating is difficult, I still in my hope of hopes wished it to be different for me.  My philosophy is that wishing won't do it unless you do the work that goes with it, and I am trying to do the work but all those on-line applications just get on my nerves.  I just want a job and a routine.  So, enough of this rant.  I have an interview today for a part-time job that will give me just about enough money to cover my rent when I get a studio apartment in April.  So, if I get the job it will be a start.  The only problem with the job is that it is in a craft store and I love crafting, so I have to not try to buy all the items I left behind.  I can self-discipline if I put my mind to it.  So, maybe this will be a good start.

And, here is a picture of a some good  starts...

Beautiful Sunrise

Natural Vitamin C

A Stack of Empty Journals

An Organized Desk

 I feel the positive energy and I better end this Blog and go get ready for my big day.  I actually have three things on the calendar:  job interview, Poetry in Memoir Class, and a get-together with a friend after she gets off work.  There is snow on the ground but I haven't had trouble getting out of my driveway or on the roads (knock on wood).  I have had trouble getting up my drive-way but that is hours away and I have cinders to put down if I need traction.  I also know to use lower gears.

Happy Trails, until we meet again.

Waiting

Today was a really good day.  I didn't get everything done as planned but when the sun doesn't rise until after 10 AM and there is no where I have to be there doesn't seem to be any urgency for getting out of bed.

So, today I got up and looked at my emails and responded to them.  Not really many to respond to because most of them are junk.  After the emails I checked the Anchorage School District website and found 3 jobs to apply for.  And, even before I got showered and dressed I fooled around with my camera and took a few pictures.  I don't know how late it was when I finally got myself out of the house but I am sure it was past noon.  I went to JoAnn Fabrics to get some scrapbook materials because I am going to make a scrapbook about Alaska and then I went to Costco.  I took a wrong turn on the way home and doubled my travel time.   So, a quick dinner, a little tv, and a promise that I will do better tomorrow.

Waiting!

So, I have quite a few journals waiting to be filled with stories and I have the stories to fill them with.  All I need is the self-motivation.

Waiting!

This is The Lady.  She is waiting for the Pig. I sometimes take pictures of them together although they both started out as separate stories.  I found The Lady at a Craft Fair in Philadelphia.  I had just received a small cash award from one of the Honor Societies and I was looking for something I could buy with the money and keep it as a reminder of the wonderful occasion of getting an award.  She didn't get named for a long time.  In fact, I didn't feel a need to name her until I started photographing her for my computer photo class, and that is when she became The Lady.  The story of The Pig will be another post.

I have a few things to do before I go to bed. I am going to go to bed earlier than usual because I want to get up and get dressed early tomorrow.  I feel that a lot of good things are going to happen tomorrow and I don't want to miss them.

Happy Trails, until we meet again.

With Eyes Wide Open

I cannot believe how much I learn from taking pictures.  I learn more about how to take better pictures but I also learn some valuable lessons.  Well, I am not sure I am learning them, I think I already knew them but seeing them in pictures makes me really believe the value of what is portrayed in the picture is generally what is practiced in real life. Perhaps, I should say that it shows things that should not happen in real life.

Picture 1 - This photo was taken at eye level with The Lady

Picture 2 was taken with the camera looking down on The Lady

While looking at these two photos this is what was reinforced in my thinking.  In the first picture The Lady looks strong and competent, someone who is an equal and would be respected.  However, the second photo makes The Lady looks more child-like in stature and as if she is someone who could be easily manipulated and taken advantage of without a lot of effort.  This is just like in real life.  When someone is looking down on a person they say them as smaller and weaker and when you are looking up at someone you see them as someone who has more power.  So, the next time I go for an interview or to talk to someone about a job, I am going to make sure that we are both on the same level. Maybe if they have a chair that will place their eye-level above mine, I will sit at the edge of my seat or be bold and stand up.  If I am going to walk the path of the Warrior then I can't give away my power.  When I speak of the Warrior, I mean someone who handles their power with responsibility and discipline and does not use it for evil purposes.

Happy Trails, until we meet again.

A Matter of Trust

This morning before I met some friends for breakfast, I decided to open my Medicine Cards Book to a random page.  I used to do this a long time ago and I remember that reading about the animal chosen (by the flipping to a page) gave me something to focus on for the day.  Today the animal revealed is the Porcupine.  My first thought when I saw it was the porcupine that I saw last year at the Animal Conservation Center just outside of Anchorage.

Snow-dusted Porcupine

Here is what I learned about the Porcupine from my Medicine Cards Companion Book:  Of the 4 Cardinal Directions of the Medicine Wheel, Porcupine is positioned in the South, the place of child-like innocence and humility.  The Porcupine has the medicine of faith and trust--trusting in the Plan that is already laid out for you.

Porcupine is a gentle, loving creature and is non-aggressive in nature.  He only uses his quills when trust has been broken.

As a human walking the Path that was laid out for my journey, it is up to me to make decisions for pursuing what is most beneficial for me and I need to use my talents to to progress on my Journey and further the Plan.

Trust can open doorways to the creation of space.  The space thus created allows others to open their hearts to you and to share their gifts of love, joy, and companionship.   Medicine Cards, Jamie Sams & David Carson.

And, as I travel on my Journey what I find to be a most important discipline is to Chose to be present in all my endeavors.

Cee the Traveler

When I travel I cannot carry as many books as I would like.  The weight of my camera equipment, my computer, my Kindle and a few books are all I can manage.  It seems that I always dream of myself as someone who travels"light" but in reality I carry way too much when I travel.  My backpack gets awfully heavy but no matter what I need to include the three books that I refer to as my manuals:  

My Three Manuals

These three manuals support beliefs and values and when I am struggling with my thoughts on travel and my beliefs they become essential.  I used two of the books when I did presentations on Sundays at Church and when I presented at my Women's Spiritually Group.  My Group is in Delaware so I can no longer attend; not that I wouldn't want to and not that they wouldn't welcome me. (I miss them.)

The Way of the Traveler (Making Every Trip a Journey of Self-Discovery, Joseph Dispenza.
This is one of my favorite books because I can relate to it whether I am traveling from State to State, via the Travel Channel or Travel Literature, or relating my thoughts to traveling on the Great Journey that I call My Life.

Book Excerpt:  Once we begin to see travel as an inner journey, it is possible to turn every trip we take into a spiritual practice--a hero's adventure that enlivens our hearts and enlarges our souls.  Travel becomes a spiritual experience for us when we are conscious at every moment that our physical transportation from place to place has a metaphysical counterpart.  Understanding that the road takes us inexorably to an encounter with the "stranger" at the heart of the journey--the transformed self.

Undertaken with awareness, travel surely is one of the most available and most effective means to nourish broaden, and quicken the soul.  The destination does not matter as much as the attention we give to the understanding that all travel is inner travel.

When we venture out into the world (into ourselves) with that knowledge, we are giving meaning to even the most mundane trip--and giving ourselves the opportunity to grow our life of the spirit in ways we might never have imagined.

The words above are from the book's Introduction and every time I read them it helps me make sense of why I can enjoy going back to the same touristy streets, visiting the same touristy shops, and talking to the same sales clerks without feeling that I am wasting my time.  I find these walks to be rewarding and enhancing to my everyday life.

Medicine Cards, Jamie Sams & David Carson
A deck of animal cards comes with this book.  The book has examples of ways to use the cards and explanations about the medicines/strengths of the animals.  I used this book when I was working at a job that was quite unpleasant because of the way the manager handled situations.  In order for me to get through each day, I would randomly open the book to an animal page and I would try to apply the strengths of that animal to my everyday situations.  I give Animal Medicine credit for my staying at that job as long as I needed and to come away from it as a sane and whole person.  The use of this book and cards helps me when I am trying to get my spirit and life back in balance.

The Four-Fold Way- Walking the Paths of the Warrior,Teacher, Healer and Visionary, Angeles Arrien, PH.D

I started reading this many times but I didn't stick with it.  I used bits and pieces of it, but now that I am designating the year 2014 as The Year of Finding and Living a Balanced Life, I feel that I need to read it from cover to cover and to make and follow practices as I walk my Journey.

This is how the book begins:

Make prayers to the Raven.

Raven that is,

Raven that was,

Raven that will always be.

Make prayers to the Raven.

Raven, ring us luck.

--from the Koyukon, Ravensong

Anyone who knows me, know that Raven is my Totem and I have a special place in my heart for him/her.  

Raven in Sitka, Alaska

And, so this is how I am going to use this book to help me achieve a better more balanced, more aware lifestyle.

These are the four principles that comprise the Four-Fold Way:

1.  Show up, or choose to be present.  Being present allows us to access the human

     resources of power, presence, and communication.  This the way of the Warrior.

2.  Pay attention to what has heart and meaning.  Paying attention opens us to the

     human resources of love, gratitude, acknowledgment, and validation.  This is the way

     of the Healer.

3.  Tell the truth without blame or judgment.  Nonjudgmental truthfulness maintains

     our authenticity, and develops our inner vision and intuition.  This is the way of the

     Visionary.

4.  Be open to outcome, not attached to outcome.  Openness and non attachment help

     us recover the human resources of wisdom and objectivity.  This is the way of the

    Teacher.

And so, despite all that is going on I know deep in my heart that if I try to follow the lessons that are presented above, I will come out just where I am supposed to be and my life will be more balanced.

And, a warm-hearted thank you to all my friends who offer me advice and help me get through the tough time.

Happy Trails (until we meet again).

Doing the Dance of Chaos

Confusion

I am sitting at my computer thinking Dance but that isn't going to happen because, to be more exact, I am sitting at my computer with a bag of snow on my injured foot, a boggled mind, and no desire to add another thing to my confusion.  I am feeling like I am sitting on a balance scale and all it would take is the added weight of a feather to knock me right off.  Enough of that!  I have ammunition and a loose plan to get myself to a better place and it is not Hawaii, in fact, funny thing, I am housesitting for a couple who is in Hawaii.

Ammunition
Piece One

Balance

Piece 2
I am enjoying living in Alaska but I don't have enough to do.  I am a person who loves to keep busy but if I don't have enough to do I find myself something else to love:  sitting home, eating, and watching TV.  I am not too worried because I have just one piece of the puzzle missing and a few pieces waiting to be put into place.  The missing piece is a job and the waiting pieces are in the form of self-education.  In Anchorage they have OLE (a series of non-graded enrichment classes for those who some like to call seniors.  One reasonable nominal fee is required for a whole year of classes.  I signed up for Tracing Family History, Poetry as Memoir, and Journaling.  They start next Wednesday (the 15th) and I am ready.  

Piece 3
This morning, I was looking at two magazines that were just waiting on the coffee table to be picked up by someone needy like me.  Needy as in:  in need of something to concentrate on besides my own personal (small) tragedies.  I only read the large print headlines but I found quite a few things to concentrate on and to journal about so I am considering these to be the third piece of ammunition.

Possible Journal Entries:  A Journey Through Time (the only thing that stays constant in my life), Staying True (Roots and Beliefs), Leaving, Visions, You Can and Must Keep Moving, Miles and Miles Before I Sleep, Wandering, Afterlife, Free, Courage, and Reserves (What is left after...). 

Personal Story Board

Pieces 4 & 5
The last two pieces of ammo are my computer and my camera.  My computer for job applications and personal picture sharing and blogging, and scrapbooking.  My camera is what keeps me busy and out of trouble.

Happy Trails (until we meet again).

Stepping Out of the Familiar

I used to think No Plan, No Problem, but I have given up that attitude.  Well, I didn't give it up entirely because now I seem to have too many plans just in case the first one, or the second one, or...doesn't work, and that puts me right back into the Land of Chaos. When I get like this I start thinking:  What do I really want?  Why does it seem like I am never completely satisfied?  Over the years I have been reading and soul-searching and I think I have things figured out.  Some people are just born explorers and when they land in one area they want to spread their wings and move to another.  Actually, we are all born to travel even though many rarely leave their home towns. During my seeking knowledge from books and introspection, I discovered that I now have another favorite book. My first favorite was and always will be Through the Looking Glass, by Lewis Carroll but I have added another book to the shelf, The Way of the Traveler by Joseph Dispenza.

While reading The Way of the Traveler...I rediscovered that a good way to think of life is to think of each day as a day of travel.  Each day of travel is travel to a new place no matter how close to home or how far away.  Well, not to a new place, maybe just to the same old places but when done with intention, the same old journey becomes new.  It adds an effervescence, but it also adds more personal responsibility and more challenge and the addition of responsibility means that a plan needs to be made. 

I left Anchorage on December 22nd to go back to Seattle for the holidays. During my visit I had to exercise caution and patience because just hours before I was scheduled to board the plane, I injured my foot.  I thought it was broken so when I arrived in Seattle, I went to the Emergency Room.  They x-rayed my foot and told me it was badly bruised but not broken.  My injury slowed me down but it didn't stop me from following the plans already made.  Monday:  lunch at a vegetarian Chinese restaurant, the Nutcracker Ballet, dinner at the Steelhead Diner.  Tuesday was a day of rest except for dinner at McCormick and Schmick's. Wednesday (Christmas) dinner with Nathan and Melanie, and then; a few dinners out, a couple of movies, a doctor's visit, a little shopping, New Year's Lunch with Nathan and Melanie (Dec. 31st) and then a 3:15 AM wake-up call for my January 1st 6 AM flight back to Anchorage.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

My flight went very smoothly and we arrived about 15 minutes ahead of schedule.  I had a carry on suitcase and a camera back-pack.  Two large suitcases were waiting at the baggage claim for me.  No problem because with the use of a cart all will be easily handled; however, I forgot to get cash before I boarded the plane and I need cash for the cart; or so I thought.  I limped to baggage and asked a couple where they got their cart and they told me they found it out by the curb and there was also another.  Feeling lucky, I went outside and there it was a beautiful, abandoned cart; my problem was solved.  I waited for my bags and then I waited for my ride.  

Marie arrived and took me to her house where I had a couple of cups of coffee and then spent the rest of the day relaxing, well sleeping.  I woke up around 7:00 PM and had more coffee and watched a couple of movies with Marie.  We watched The Holiday and The Stone's Christmas.  Very relaxing because I didn't have to do a lot of deep thinking.  

Thursday, January 2, 2014

I had no plans for the day so I decided to drive to Downtown Anchorage.  It is only about 1.5 miles from where I am living but since my foot is not completely healed I put on my hiking boots and grabbed my slippers (just in case the boots became injuriously uncomfortable, and drove to the 5th Avenue Mall.  I parked in the parking garage off E Street and then started my walk.  I wanted to see how far I could walk before my foot became a bother.

No real destinations but a loosely made plan.  I headed towards the Westmark Hotel on the corner of 5th Avenue and G Street.  My intention was to see Tony, the manager.  I had applied for a Front Desk Position in December but didn't get it because I was leaving for my 10-day visit to Seattle, but he told me to contact him when I returned to Anchorage.  And, as a result of my visit I have an appointment with him on Monday, January 6th.

I headed back towards the mall, passed Starbucks and went to Town Square Park to take some photos of the remains of the New Year's Eve Celebration.  

The Theme must have been New York City because there were some reliefs of sky scrapers carved into ice blocks and an ice replica of the Statue of Liberty. 

I took some pictures and then doubled-back to Starbucks for a Skinny Peppermint Latte and a Cranberry Bliss Bar.  I figured taking away some of the latte calories by making it a skinny would cancel out some of the calories of the Bliss Bar.  Both were delicious.

Next, back to the mall where I purchased two shirts and ties for Tim at Penney's, and then the ever-popular search for my car.  This time I thought there would be no search but I was talking on the phone with John, my son and wasn't paying attention so I didn't walk far enough and didn't find my car on the first try.  I told John that I would call him back and returned to Point One in order to get a fresh start.  Minutes later I was clicking the button that unlocked my door.  I called John back and we talked for a little bit before I returned to my temporary home.

The day was full and I am grateful for the many gifts that I received, and as for tomorrow, that is another journey.  

Friday, January 3, 2014
Today was an new day; therefore, it was a new journey.  I spent most of the day doing little chores at home and then I headed to Carr's Grocery for the ingredients for basic vegetable soup.  It was snowing and the roads were a little slick, so I took my time and was extra careful.  I found everything I needed for the soup and then added a few little extras for snacking.  I also helped a man find some soup that he was having difficulty locating.  Drove home.  Arrived safely.  Went to the kitchen immediately, and started making the soup.  The soup was healthy and delicious and made for a very satisfying dinner, and now, I am going to relax or maybe I will do some packing because tomorrow I move to where I am house-sitting for three months.

Happy Trails, until we meet again.